We all have parenting patterns that we have inherited, from how we were brought up as well as from books, the media and a multitude of other sources.
When I say the words parenting pattern, people often think of very negative things that we are doing, however let me tell you, I have positive and negative patterns and so do you. There will be things you are doing every day that are having a very positive influence on your relations and things that you are doing that are not. A good example of this is the naughty step; how many parents listened blindly to Supernanny’s advice without wondering if it is right for them?
We have dominant negative patterns and they are recognisable to us all in different ways.
In order to move forward in our parenting we need to understand our dominant pattern and face it head on.
In my experience of working with parents, I have identified the four most common patterns:
This parent finds reasons and excuses for everything? “Of course I behaved like that, I was busy! Of course I am not a very good parent, no one showed me how! It will take too long to put this right and they won’t listen anyway!” Excuse after excuse after excuse. Does this ring a bell? If it does, you must start to take responsibility for your own actions; it is the only way things will ever change.
2. Rationalisation
This parent always tries to be right, giving socially acceptable reasons for their behaviour. “Well that’s just kids nowadays, they don’t care what adults think”. They have to make someone else the cause of their problem “I blame schools, they are not hard enough”. What differentiates them from the person who justifies is that they blame someone to make themselves right. What these parents need to remember is you can be right or you can be happy, but generally you will not be both.
3. Victimhood
Victimhood starts by giving your power to other people and situations in your life. Victimhood, or victim mentality, starts when you believe that things happen to you that you don’t deserve, as if the universe has a vendetta towards you. It is the ultimate destroyer to your success because you believe you do not have the power to change your life. “It does not matter what I do, my child just does not listen! It’s not my fault, I have tried everything and nothing seems to change”.
4. Blaming
Blaming others is not only extremely ineffective; it is the number one way to give up your power. Blaming is a close cousin to Victimhood and sets everyone up to fail. “It’s not my fault, my husband just wont give me any support, and he undoes everything I do”. You need to take responsibility, no matter what.
So which one of these relates to you most?
How do you know that your parenting pattern is coming to the surface?
For me, when I go into my victim mode, my face clenches, I tighten my jaw and I begin to get a headache, this is how I know. My body tells me before my mind does and at that point, I know I can choose to continue with this or I can choose a different response. Sometimes I choose to go into victim mode when I am feeling really vulnerable and maybe slightly emotional …it serves me; it allows me to not take responsibility and therefore I do not take action. However, the more I play with this the more able I am to choose a more appropriate response.
So the first step is identifying which pattern you go into and the next is to figure out the early warning signs, so you can be more at choice. When you are more at choice, only then can you make a different choice.
To change this pattern you need to realise that this is just not true, you are the only one who has 100% responsibility for your actions.
Here is a simple system for you that I got from the Gremlin Training material.
When a pattern emerges:
Step 1: Simply Notice
By simply noticing, I observe how I am showing up as a parent and if it reflects who I am naturally or if I have taken on the beliefs and behaviours of others simply out of habit or unconscious loyalty.
Step 2: Play with Options
Once I have noticed something I’m perhaps not crazy about, such as how often I yell at our kids when I would rather be playing with them, I play with my options, with the range of possibilities for what I want to do with what I just noticed. That might be experimenting with how I express my anger or putting aside a load of laundry to jump on the trampoline. Bottom line: I get to choose! Playing with options creates an inner experience that goes beyond words when it comes to knowing that I am responsible for what I create with the circumstances that life brings me. This is a tremendous gift to pass onto our children.
Step 3: Being in Process
Simply put, practice Step 1 and Step 2 every day and you’ll be more content than you’ve ever been.
Sarah has helped Isobel see things through my eyes as well as her own. She has helped her with her approach to learning. I felt I needed a bit extra help with Isobel. I felt she was not doing her best at school and that she could be more motivated" - one of Sarah's clients talking to The Sunday Express
