Newsletter -The Eight Secrets of Parenting from a teen’s perspective.
I recently asked a group of teenagers what advice they would give to their parent on parenting and their answers were illuminating, honest and hopeful I think. Here are their Secrets.
Secret Number One - Your old style of parenting will no longer work.
When we are small we need you there with us, teaching us how to do everything, teaching us what is right and wrong, teaching us how to behave, how to relate to people and how to take care of ourselves. Then we go to school and get older. We still need you but this time we want you to take us to the many clubs we join, make our lunches, make sure we have done our homework and have the correct school-books. We need cheering on from the sidelines of our football matches and to look after us when we don’t feel well. When we enter the teenage years we still need you, we just need you in a different way. We still need the taxi service and we still need you to come to our football matches (just please don’t scream as loud!) We still need you to look after us when we are feeling down, even though we might say we don’t. However, we no longer want you to remind us of every little thing; we want to learn by ourselves. We don’t want you asking us questions all the time, we want to get on with it. We want to find our own systems for dealing with our homework rather than you nagging us. We don’t need you to manage us any more, we need to learn to do it ourselves. So when we are making a mess of things, don’t step in! Ask us how we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Secret number Two -They love boundaries, however, they want to be involved in the setting of them.
When we get to be teenagers we think that the rules that we have been living by for so long should change a little and rightly so, we are getting older and after all, we are learning to become an adult now! However, you still keep the same strict rules and it drives us mad! You tell us what to do and control us without us even having a say. Worse than that, you change your mind from one day to the next! We need to know where we stand and what you expect. We also want to be able to negotiate with you and to know what our new rules are. We want to stick to them (well we may always push a little just for the sake of learning). We just want to agree with them and think that they are fair. So instead of telling us what time to come in, ask us what we think – let’s have a conversation!
Secret Number Three - They want to be responsible
Now, although we would never admit it, we do like to be responsible. We want to learn how to do it because we know that soon we are going to have to! However, be gentle with us and easy does it, we are not really that keen! We don’t want you to fling responsibility – suddenly telling us that we are now responsible for the washing up is maybe not the best way. Just back off a bit and let us figure it out ourselves. If we spend all our money on Saturday, then we are broke for the rest of the week. Let us prove to you that we can be responsible and if we don’t take the responsibility back, don’t give us a long lecture; it does not get anyone anywhere.
Secret Number Four - They want to be treated with respect and appreciated for their efforts
Hey! If you, my parents, don’t respect me then how on earth can I respect myself? You are my role models in life; I need you to respect who I am as a person. You don’t always have to like what I do but you can still see that inside I am a great person. Don’t give me that story about earning respect. I mean please, you gave birth to me, I am human, don’t I just deserve respect for that? Don’t say that I don’t respect you, so why should you respect me! I am the child here, I need someone to show me; how can I learn to give it if I don’t receive it? Oh, and while I’m on my soapbox, if we do something, say thank you to us; we love being appreciated!
Secret Number Five - They want to please you; they want you to see the positives
Honestly, it is true, what you think matters to us. We want you to see the best in us and we want you to think we are wonderful. What we normally get, however, is you saying how bad we are, what we are not good at, how we should try harder, blah, blah, blah! It makes us feel bad and we don’t like it! Most of the time, believe me, we are telling ourselves much worse, so please see the positives in us and tell us!
Secret Number Six - They have to make mistakes and they want to
I know it is hard for you to see your precious son or daughter making mistakes, but you have to let us get on with it. It is the only way we will learn. When we do make mistakes, don’t do the old I Told You So routine, just ask us what we would do different next time. Encourage us to try new things, things that may be scary and things that may not work out the way we want. Don’t rescue us. If we get into trouble, encourage us to think for ourselves, asking us what we can do about it and how we can get out of the situation.
Secret Number Seven - They want to talk to you; they want to involve you
We really do want to talk to you and do things with you. It’s just that every time we stop to talk, you generally tell us off and ask us some very important question, like how is the studying going or have you thought about what you are going to do when school finishes. Sometimes, we just want to have a conversation that is fun and is really about nothing. Don’t make every conversation heavy, it just annoys us!
Secret Number Eight - They want to spend time with you
We really do, but the guarantee is that it won’t be when you want to spend time with us and may even be the most inconvenient time for you ever! However, because the chances you get to be with us are so far and few between, you should grab them while you can; you may never get another chance. After all, we grow up so fast don’t we?
Thank you to Susie, Jade, Lauren and Jamie for helping me put these tips together. Thanks Guys!
"I just wanted to say thank you for all your help. You made me realise I have to start believing in myself and to respect others as well as myself. I am really grateful for all you have done for me. Before you came, people always saw a front, not the real me. Now you’ve taken that away and I am a better person. I’ve also started to trust people more, which I didn’t before. Now you go and work your magic on another young person and make them believe in themselves as well!" - Melissa Burke participant (17) on My Teen’s a Nightmare….I’m moving out.
