Recently, I have been reading a great book called Brilliance Unbridled, by the wonderful Kendal Summer Hawk and there was a statement in there that got me thinking. “If you let a horse get away with something three times, you have just trained them to do it.”
This really resonated with me and I began to wonder, is it the same for children and, more especially, teenagers?
I have had the privilege over the last week of observing about 20 lessons within one school. Some of the lessons were amazing, some OK and some downright horrible – I was falling asleep, never mind the kids! As I sat there in the good lessons something became evident. The teachers did not let the children get away with something more than three times. On the third time of asking, they would follow through with some kind of solution, like moving the child to another seat for example. They were consistent with all their classes. The children in these classes were engaged and manageable. The bad teachers either did nothing in the first place, only picking up on something once, or did not follow through on any kind of sanction and were extremely inconsistent. The children in these classes were disengaged and very disruptive.
And I find the same is true with parents – if we are consistent and nip things in the bud easily, our children behave better. There is a good explanation of this in the book The Tipping Point where a whole estate was turned around by the police when they focused on the small things consistently and put sanctions in place. The small things really do matter and how we deal with them matters even more. If we let our teenagers get away with something three times, then we have just trained them that it is OK for them to do that in front of us.
So what do we do and how do we do it?
First of all, we need to get clear what we are going to make a stand about. For each parent it will be different; what is and is not acceptable in my house will be different from yours and then like all good strategies, we follow a system consistently.
So lets just take swearing, for example.
Your child swears at you.
Step one – tell them what they are doing – they may not even we aware – “Do you realise you are swearing at me?”
Step Two – tell them it is not OK and ask them to stop. “It is not OK to swear at me, please stop now.”
If they continue…
Step three – repeat steps one and two and then let them know what will happen if they continue. “If you continue swearing at me this conversation will stop and I will walk away.”
If they continue…
Step Four – let them know you are following through with what you previously said – “You are still swearing although I have asked you to stop I am now walking away.”
Sounds simple, and really it is. Most parents fail because them scream, shout, get irrational or just do not follow through. You say this in a clear calm voice and with no emotion attached. This is not a punishment for them, just a show of you standing up for what is right and wrong in your house.
So, don’t train your child to behave badly in front of them. With consistency and a bit of patience, you can have more peace in your house – Honest!
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