As I begin to step into my own power and claim what I am really here to do, I realised that when all is said and done, I stand for one thing and one thing only and that is, “The amazing impact a positive and healthy relationship between adults and teenagers can have on the world. I believe that if we all improved our relationships if only by 5% then the world would be a better place.”
I feel that this is such a big claim that I need to quantify it slightly. I have seen in my life so many distressed, disillusioned and off-the-rail teenagers and running through all of their woes is the fact that they have dysfunctional relationships, generally with one of their main carers. I have also seen that if a positive adult comes into their lives, that their behaviour can change and that one person alone can have an impact on these teenagers. I have too much evidence to believe that anything else is true. A teenager who has a great relationship with a significant adult will be a far greater benefit to society. They will go out into college, the workplace and the world modelling this behaviour and that in turn will have an effect on all of those around us. Similarly, a child who does not have a great relationship will affect all of those around them in a very impacted, full way - in fact, maybe more so. Perhaps they will commit crime, perhaps they will be a boss who bullies their employees; perhaps they will take from society and not give back. As a parent you have on your shoulders a huge responsibility; your child will got out into the world and have an impact and you may be largely responsible for whether that impact is good or bad. Wow, now that feels big doesn’t it? Now, this is not me saying that all you do is love your child and all will be well, I am a practical girl and I also know that you have to get the boring things done too, and part of the relationship with them is being truthful, honest and guiding them towards better decision-making. What I am saying however is that if you work on the relationship and trust in it, then your child will feel empowered and inspired to do what is right.
I am not a fan of the, How do I get my kid to behave, or How do I get my kid to do what I want brigade because I don’t believe in any way shape or form that we own them and therefore, we have no right to get them to do what we think is right. In fact, most of the time we do not even question what we are doing and do it just because society tells us it is right. For example, kids are born with an innate ability to know when they are hungry and what they want to eat, yet as parents, we work against this and make them sit down and eat when we want…and then whether they are hungry or not, we make them clean their plates and sit still…is this right? We do so much as parents to make life easy for ourselves and we forget to do what is right for our children and settle for the easy option, as it is more beneficial for us. Most of the time we are lazy parents and I sometimes think we would be better off with robots than with children.
Now I know that parenting is hard and I know that teenagers can be even harder, but I don’t think that is an excuse for forgetting they are human beings. Sure, we need strategies to cope with certain behaviour and sure, sometimes we need to let our child know what they are doing that is not working so well in the home, but these things should not be forced upon our children; discussions that are empowering to the parent and the child, that do not damage the relationship are possible. When my children do something that is less then “good” I don’t simply chastise, I let them know what they have done and ask them together with me to come up with a solution – it is so empowering and works nearly every time – they feel part of the family.
So why the teenage years, I hear you say – well I think there are so many things we can do beforehand to make them easier, however that is a different article, but I think the teenage years in my experience are where most breakdowns in the relationship occur and to be honest, I am redefining the teen years as 8-23 as that is really a more accurate description. The relationship with your child during these years is crucial as to the sort of adult they became and how easily you will approach the teen years. The teen years are also where the child has more free thought and where they begin to question more things, including the way you are parenting them. During these years they can also choose to take you out of what William Glasser calls their “Quality World” and if this happens, then there is no way you will have any impact on them whatsoever and total breakdown will have occurred. A quality world is the people around you that have an influence on your decisions, they are people you love, respect and want to do right by – this is where you want to stay, in your teenagers quality world and you will only do this by working on the relationship with them. If they remove you, then it is so hard to get back in and your teenager will do nothing for you at all, so take heed.
So, as parents we have a lot on our shoulders and we have them on our shoulders everyday, that is why this newsletter is called The Everyday Parent, because everyday you are one and what you do everyday matters.
So what is something you can do everyday to work on the relationship? Well, for that I will go back to something I learnt six years ago, again from William Glasser and that is, before you do anything with your children, first pause and then ask yourself, will what I am about to do bring me closer to or further away from my child and if it is further away, simply don’t do it.
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