I was at swimming lessons the other day with my children and the swimming teacher said something to me that got me thinking. As my youngest clung to the side screaming and crying and loudly pronouncing how she could not swim to the other side, the teacher calmly ignored her screams and just kept telling her she could. After about five minutes, Freya did indeed make it to the other side, swimming and crying at the same time, a very strange spectacle indeed! The teacher came up to me, (she obviously though I was worried) and said, “I have learnt not to accept excuses, I did it once and the girl never progressed, so now I just don’t accept them”.
I was struck by how right she was and reminded of the words from William Glasser, “When a child makes a commitment, no excuse is acceptable for not following through”. This is what he calls discipline.
Discipline has always been a bit of a dirty word to me, until I started to research it for the book. Here is what I wrote on the subject.
“One of the people who helped me put this book together and really made sense of my garbled words, called me and told me that one word was missing from my book. That word was discipline. It sent me into a spin! I hate the word. It conjures up so many negative feelings for me, perhaps to do with my police officer background, or perhaps the fact that, as a child, I was always told that I needed discipline. Or maybe, it’s because so many parents tell me that their child needs discipline when really what they mean is that they want their child to do exactly what they say. As the conversation continued, this person asked me one simple question. “Are you scared of this word?” I thought about it and realised that perhaps I was, and I could not let my feelings get in the way of the book I was producing. On looking up the word in the dictionary, I found that it meant something different from what I had expected. The Collins Concise Dictionary defines discipline as,
“Training or conditions imposed for the improvement of self-control. Systematic training and the state of improved behaviour resulting from such training. A branch of learning or instruction.”
When I saw this definition, I could not disagree that in fact the whole book was about discipline, about training parents, about their own self-control and issuing instructions, about how to help teenager’s to learn self-control. Indeed, I expect that if you use this training and instruction, then behaviour will improve. It was there in black and white, I was talking about discipline, a disciplined approach that parents can use for their own self-control and to improve their teenager’s behaviour. That is what you are doing, you are training your teenager and showing them how to be self-controlled and yet more importantly than that, you are learning a disciplined approach so that you can apply this training with self-control. A disciplined approach helps our teenagers to commit to better decisions. So, when things are challenging and perhaps not going exactly as you would have hoped, ask yourself if you are really disciplined in what you are doing. Is there something you can do about your own self-control? There is no way you are going to be able to teach it if you cannot practice it yourself! “
For not following through on a commitment, Glasser does not believe a child should be punished, but disciplined, the difference being that the child does not receive excess pain. This swimming class was in stark contrast to what I saw at the karate class a few weeks ago, where a child was given a time-out for not taking turns. The child was visibly upset and distressed. It appears that, as a nation, we are very confused about what to do when a child does not do what they have said they are committed to.
Glasser then goes on to say that a teacher who cares does not accept excuses, if they accept an excuse then the student knows that they do not really care. It shows the child that you do not believe that they have the ability to keep the commitments they have made. That is what the swimming teacher did, she believed that by coming to the swimming lessons that Freya has made a commitment to learn to swim and she took no excuses. She showed Freya that she had 100% faith in her and therefore she followed through. Only by following through on commitments do children learn how to fully commit and in turn, they feel respected and loved. They learn that they are masters of their own success and therefore, their self-esteem and self-confidence is raised.
So how does this concept work in the home with your child? How do you teach discipline at home? I think that it is a four-step process.
1. The child must be clear on the commitment they have made and the commitment needs to be very clear, specific and measurable.
2. The child needs to be clear that they are responsible for following this through and you will only offer help and offer guidance if asked.
3. The parents must accept no excuse for non-commitment.
4. The parent must empower the child to reflect on their behaviour and come up with a solution for not following through.
So let’s see how this may work in theory…..
Let’s say that your child is at an age where you feel that you can hand over responsibility for doing homework. Firstly, they must be clear that this is the case and you may ask if they need any further support. You must then reiterate that you will not be checking unless they want you to and they have full responsibility for this. Then, when you check or when the inevitable letter and phone call comes through about homework not going in on time, the parents must not accept any excuses at all. There may be a natural consequence for this behaviour, i.e. detention etc: Instead of any kind of punishment, the parent must sit down with the child and ask them to evaluate what they did and come up with a solution of how to make sure it gets done in the future. If, after putting the child’s solution in place, the breach still continues, the next step would be to perhaps ask the child what consequences they think should be issued for failure to do the homework, Further breaches may involve the parent suggesting a remedy be put in place, i.e. one that takes responsibility of the homework back to the parents, who check more regularly, etc. Of course, this situation will change with each child, but can you see how non-confrontational the system is and how it allows the child to evaluate their own behaviour and commit to a better course of action. This system always assumes that the child can follow through and will, in turn, support them in gaining more maturity and worthwhileness.
The shift for the parent is massive, as you have to move from conventional, control-style solutions to ones of negoations and teamwork, but let me tell you, the results are incredible. I have been using this approach personally, as well as with clients and what I have found in my own home is that my 10-year-old now manages herself. If she fails to do something, she comes to me, tells me what happened and what she is going to do about it next time. Remember, the most important thing we can do as a parent is to teach our children how to solve their own problems, how to keep their commitments and above all, how to take a disciplined approach in everything they do.
Sarah has helped Isobel see things through my eyes as well as her own. She has helped her with her approach to learning. I felt I needed a bit extra help with Isobel. I felt she was not doing her best at school and that she could be more motivated" - one of Sarah's clients talking to The Sunday Express
