Recently I have counted myself very lucky. They say that your clients teach you what you most need to know and recently my clients have all had one thing missing in their lives – a supportive partner. This is probably the thing I take most for granted – Eddie. He is always there for me, sits though all the family meetings, supports me in my new hair-brained ideas and attempts (not always successfully) to implement my parenting principles and philosophy. However believe me, I know that this is not always the case! My ex-husband and I were not afforded the same kind of understanding, lets leave it at that! So I know what it is like to feel unsupported and like the two of you are from different planets.
So what do you do in these kinds of situations? Well they are not always the easiest situations to resolve and call for honesty, integrity and courage. I personally think that we cannot share a space with someone who crushes our spirit and beliefs, but that may just be me! I think in these situations you simple have to remember that you have choices. You can keep it as it is, leave the situation or be honest and open and attempt to change the situation. Neither of these options are easy and most are very scary or at the very least, a little uncomfortable. Nevertheless, you have a choice. So before you do anything, think long and hard about what you want and how you are prepared to live the rest of your life.
Here are some things for you to think about and take action on.
1. What are my core beliefs and values? What do I believe about parenting? Do I know what my partner believes? Have I even asked?
Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about what is important to you as a parent, what kind of future you want for you children. What you want as a parent. State you case, then ask for theirs. Your aim here is for understanding; you want to fully understand where your partner is coming from and visa versa. Talk about why you both believe what you do and the reason for its importance.
2. If your beliefs are at the opposite end of the spectrum, then can you meet in the middle? Is there a way that you can both fulfil what is important to you while not compromising your own beliefs and the needs of your children?
3. Attempt to come up with a set of parenting principles between you, things that you can both agree on. Statements which reflects what you both believe about parenting. Talk about how you are going to implement them.
4. Damage control – talk about how you both react if something goes wrong. What will you do if you find out your child is taking drugs, for example. Have conversations about the things that really matter.
This conversation will take a long time so be patient; it is not something that can happen over night, especially if this is not the way you normally communicate with each other in the home. You can help by respecting and understanding your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Saying things like, “I really respect your commitment to our children and I can understand that grades are very important to you, however it is really important to me that we know how we want our children to be and not just what we want them to do,” is a helpful way to move a conversation forward. Don’t make someone feel wrong just because they disagree with what you say. Be clear and ask for what you want. Make a list of the support that you would like and ask for it. Ask for it not as a threat, just as a suggestion. No one likes to think they are obligated!
Throughout this process, be patient and remember that Rome was not built in a day. These conversations are important ones, ones that will support you and your children in a loving and fulfilling way. It is so much better to have these conversations now then have them in front of the children so they can see a divided front and will (as any human would) play one of you off against the other . Whatever happens, you need to show a united front for your children, even if your child has to wait for an answer you need to show togetherness. After all, you are the role model for all the future relationships they will have. If you allow yourself not to be true and speak out for what is important to you in your relationship, then your children are likely to do the same.
If you have a partner that just will not engage with you on this level at all, then I believe you have some serious questions to ask yourself! However, what I have seen on many occasions is parents changing there partners mind by leading by example. By them implementing less control-type techniques and their partner seeing the success, they in turn have changed. Remember, we must be the change you want to see. Behaviour breeds behaviour, so if we want to see a change in a person, we must first show them the behaviour we want to see.
Questions to ponder
What would support look like to me?
In which areas do I need support?
What may I need to let go off so that I can open up to the support I need?
Who do I need to ask for more support?
Where else may I be able to get support – places perhaps I had not through of?
What do I really believe about parenting?
Sarah has helped Isobel see things through my eyes as well as her own. She has helped her with her approach to learning. I felt I needed a bit extra help with Isobel. I felt she was not doing her best at school and that she could be more motivated" - one of Sarah's clients talking to The Sunday Express
