1. Be Truthful most divorces are to do with lack of communication, trust or one party not being truthful. End this now decide to be truthful with your teen tell them the truth of the situation and keep them informed of what is happening at every step. Being truthful is not the same as blaming, being angry and asking the teen to choose it is telling them the truth in a neutral way one that has no charge and does not apportion blame. If both parties can be present at this point here it allows the teen to see that you are both dealing with this as responsible adults. It will help then feel more secure. The teen likes nothing less than been forced to choose sides.
2. Allow the teen to feel their own pain while there is certainly pain here for you as a parent there is some for the teen too. Allow your teen to feel whatever they need to anger, hurt, frustration, betrayal. Do not try to fix it. Just allow them to have these feelings. Allow them to shout, cry do whatever just as you have had your chance to. Do not justify your actions. Just ask the teen what support they need form you right now.
3. Keep the teen informed allow them the courtesy of knowing how this will affect them how often will they see Mum or Dad. Often the teen feels that they will never see the other party and they are confused put their mind at rest. Ask them what questions, concerns and challenges they have with the divorce and let them have their say.
4. Consistent Parenting- ensures that although you as the parents are splitting up you still have a consistent parenting method between you. If the child will be staying with each parent separately then what are the guidelines about curfew etc: Do not allow your teen to play one parent off against the other.
Make agreements between you about how you will parent this child now you are living separate lives.
5. Listen, listen, listen when your teen takes about this, keep your mouth shut. Let them have their say however hurtful it may be. You do not know what this feels like for your teen, so do not try to pretend. Attempt to see the situation through their eyes and listen and acknowledge what they say. There is nothing you can say to fix this so just let this teen be heard.
6. Ask them if they think you understand their confusion - This shows that you are considering their feelings. It gives them permission to raise questions and talk things through when they may feel that its all too painful for you and they should be protecting you in some way. If they dont feel you understand their confusion, ask them what they need its just as painful for them as they are torn in half between their love and loyalty for each parent.
7. Support them more than ever your teen is going to need to know you support them, even if you dont feel all that strong yourself. Ask them if they feel supported by you. Let them tell you what they need to feel supported and create that environment together for each other.
8. Show your appreciation its easy to get caught up in your own world when a relationship ends. Remember to show your appreciation for the care and support your teen shows, even if all they do is put out the rubbish, walk the dog or make you tea without being asked. Its their way of looking after you. They may not acknowledge your appreciation audibly and be sure that they will notice if its lacking.
9. Respect their reaction are you behaving as rationally and responsibly as you did before this bombshell landed? Be aware that your teen may react rebelliously to the situation. Find a quality that you continue to respect in them and tell them. Separate any behaviour from who they are as an inherently loving human being.
10. Include them in decisions if you are having to move home, include them in the house-hunting process. They are being as disrupted as you are and need to feel they have some control. Seemingly small actions could create big reactions if decisions around them are not discussed and shared. Put yourself in their shoes every step of the way.
"One school term later we have seen a real change in Jess, she is altogether happier and more confident and much better able to cope with problems that come her way" Lyn Gregory
