I would like to introduce to you Sarah Newton, the UK’s Leading Teen Coach and founder of the Sarah Newton Consultancy. Sarah has dedicated the last 10 years of her life to disengaged and tearaway teenagers and to date has helped over 1500 young people turn their lives around.
So Sarah, what is it you do and how did you get into this work?
The best way for me to answer this is to share a personal experience. In 1995 I was a police officer and I was working with a 15-year-old. I had arrested him over 30 times and I was at my wits end. It did not matter what I did, he was demotivated and disengaged. He didn’t care about life. While I was working with him he took his own life and that had a profound effect on me, I could not believe that he felt his life was not worth living. So I decided to go on a quest to see what made a successful teen and 9 years and 1500 teens later, I started the Sarah Newton Consultancy, we work with young people to inspire and motivate them and give them hope
So what makes a successful teen?
What I found was that when teens felt listened to, valued and respected they worked harder and were easier to get along with. So as adults, when we treat them like that they are more successful. I also found that when we teach them to accept themselves, take responsibility and manage their own behaviour they become more confident, motivated and inspired, thus becoming more successful. So it is a combination of both. The way we treat them and what they are taught.
You call your self the voice of teenagers – what is it they are saying and why do they need you to tell the world?
Quite simply they are saying that adults do not listen to them, they do not understand them and they do not respect them. They need me to tell the world because we appear to have created a society where the voices of young people are not valued. Our young people are screaming out for acknowledgement and recognition and they are not getting it. My plea to your listeners is the next time a young person speaks to them, do us all a favour, sit down and shut up!
You work a lot with what people might call rebellious teenagers, isn’t that part of what being a teenager is all about - rebelling? Shouldn't we just let them get on with it?
I think been a teenager is all about finding identity and meaning and becoming responsible and independent, and for some that will mean rebelling. However, the worst thing we can do is shut the door, close our eyes and hope that they will get over it by the time they are 21. Teenagers need an influential adult to guide them and leaving a rebellious teen to “Get on with It” will not only isolate them, it will also give them a very clear message that they are no good and not fit for society.
You have been quoted more than once in the media, saying that parents needs to take responsibility for their teenager’s behaviour. Is this just not another case of the Blame the Parents syndrome?
Absolutely not, it is not about blame, it is about taking responsibility. I get parents coming to me every day asking me to fix their kids, telling me something is broken. To me, this is the parents not taking responsibility. They first need to look at themselves and ask how they are contributing to their teen’s behaviour, what can they do differently that will get a different result? It is unrealistic to blame only the teenager or the parent.
So what is the one thing a struggling parent can do that will have the biggest impact?
Simple, they can shift their own perspective, they can stop trying to fix their teenagers. Before they say or do anything to their teenager, ask themselves if this is this bringing them closer or further away, and if its further away, don’t do it.
They can start to separate the person from the behaviour, they may not like their teenager’s behaviour but they can still respect them as a person. I would ask every parent that is listening to get a pen and paper after this call and write down the greatest things about their teenager, be it their perseverance, creativity or whatever and don’t tell me that there are none as I don’t believe you! Then when their teenager comes home from school, tell them one thing that you admire or respect in them. Do this every day for a month and you will see a change.
So lets take a typical situation with a 16-year-old who won’t get out of bed and is de-motivated – what do we do?
First let me say what I do is not first aid, I do not have a magic wand; teenagers are human and therefore one size does not fit all. What I would tell a client who came to me with this challenge is to speak to them, ask them what they need to feel motivated and get out of bed in the morning. What support do they need to get that?
And what about something more severe, how can parents prepare for the inevitable drugs, sex and alcohol situation?
Well, I always say that if you cannot handle the conversations about laundry and washing up, then when it gets to sex you’re snookered!
The key here is to consistency in the early pre teen years, which is sticking by your word and being clear in what you ask. Parents can makes lists of what it is they want in their house, for example, the time that the child should be home by. Then, rather than imposing rules, sit down, discuss and come to agreements about what is and is not acceptable in the house. If agreements are broken then parents need to ensure a natural consequence take place. If they do this then they will be prepared when it comes and will have a framework to work around.
You are also talking a lot about where the school system is failing – what do you mean by that and what is your answer?
Well, I spent a whole year in two schools and asked the teenagers what was missing, what were they not learning at school. It became evident that the old ethos of going to school, getting good grades and getting a job for life is no longer valid. They want to learn how to be entrepreneurs, how to make and manage money, how to make money on the Internet. They want to learn to manage themselves emotionally and accept themselves in a world where the perfect 10 is the norm. Our school system is failing by feeding false hope to these kids; jobs for life no longer exist and the school system needs to be training these kids for the real world as it is now.
And what about the teenagers – where do they come in all of this, where do they take responsibility for themselves?
Firstly, to take responsibility they need to be shown and taught it. Parents are so scared to let their teenagers do anything these days out of fears for their safety that our teenager has almost been wrapped in cotton wool. Parents need to stop rescuing their teenager at every moment and start supporting them to take responsibility. For example, if your teenager comes to you for £5 do you just give it, or do you explain that you are not willing just to hand money out? Do you ask them how you can support them in getting what they want? Our teenagers tend to see no further than the demand culture of today, therefore it is important that parents offer a model of responsibility.
So tell us Sarah – what’s your secret, how do you get through to these teenagers where most others have failed?
To answer that, let me go back to the 15-year-old boy. After his suicide, I wanted to deal with young people in a different way and I didn’t know how, as back then I wasn't a coach, so I reached into my bag of tricks and pulled out something my dad use to say; look beyond what you see, look for the gift.
So that is what I did. The next cocaine addict that came before my was, three months later, teaching others the dangers of drug use, all because I looked beyond what I could see and looked for the gift. That is why I succeed, because I have the courage to look beyond the hard exterior and be curious enough to ask what the gift is and what can be given to society. Imagine how different our teenagers would be if they all had that experience.
"One school term later we have seen a real change in Jess, she is altogether happier and more confident and much better able to cope with problems that come her way" Lyn Gregory
