When Barbara first came to me for support Clare had just turned 16. She had been expelled from school, was on police bail, undergoing therapy and was smoking cannabis regularly. Barbara felt alone, isolated and frightened with nowhere to turn. Clare had shut her mother out of her life and appeared to be deteriorating. It was obvious that Barbara was no longer in Clare’s confidence and my job as a coach was to support Barbara to move closer to her daughter, so she could then nurture and coach Clare to responsible adulthood.
With Barbara we went right back to basics. We looked at the perception that she had for Clare, the belief that Clare was bad and no good and needed fixing. Together we worked on separating Clare’s behaviour from who she was as a person. We looked at how Barbara would like to perceive her daughter and what actions she could take to integrate those perceptions into the relationship. Barbara began to see her beautiful daughter in front of her instead of the rebellious troublemaker that was there before. She began to appreciate all the little things that Clare did that made her happy, and began to tell her. She noticed how Clare seemed to walk a little taller and stay in the house a little longer.
Although Barbara did not agree with Clare’s behaviour, we looked at which qualities she could respect about her daughter. Barbara realised that she respected so much about her daughter, her desire to be different, her persistence and her willingness to try new things, even though the behaviour was not what any mother would desire. Barbara began to tell her daughter all the things that she respected about her and always reminded herself that her job as a loving parent was not to control but just to build a loving relationship. Although tempted, Barbara stopped talking about the bad behaviour, the drugs and just reminded herself that Clare was her own person and that as a parent she was not bringing up a clone of herself.
After about three months Clare began to talk to her mother with civility and began to help with small jobs around the house. At first they talked only for short periods, and Barbara remembered to listen from her heart with her mouth closed. Barbara became curious of Clare and how it must be for her, with all the troubles and challenges she was facing. She began to listen from her daughter’s point of view, even asking, “Do you think I understand you? What can I do to support you?”
Barbara’s and Clare’s relationship slowly began to mend; there were still challenging times and in these times Barbara would be careful not to revert to her old behaviour patterns, but to be loving and compassionate. Barbara and Clare began to make agreements in the home about small things and again and again Clare proved how responsible she could be. When there were lapses in this responsibility they would talk together about the natural consequences and what would feel good for them both. Barbara began to notice that Clare no longer smelt of cannabis and that the all night parties were getting fewer and fewer. Then one day, about five months after I started coaching Barbara, Clare asked her mum if they could have a chat.
Barbara was in tears on the phone to me when she described the conversation. Clare told her that she was so sorry for the way she had acted in the past. She said that she loved her mum and no longer wanted to live the life that she had been leading. She had stopped smoking cannabis and no longer hung around with the same group of friends. She knew that it was too late for her exams that year, but wanted to take them next year and above all, wanted her mother’s support in all this change.
Of course Barbara agreed. About a year later, Barbara called me. She and Clare had just been on holiday together, they had had a wonderful time and wanted to tell me how much she enjoyed her daughter and how, when she had told Clare this, Clare had just turned round, gave her a big hug and said, “I enjoy you too!”
Thank you. I have found a way to resolve my anger and am very thankful for the help given by the services. It was more than support because you gave me a solution...no one has given me a solution to this problem before. Thanks Daniel
