Recently, I have been reading a great book called Brilliance Unbridled, by the wonderful Kendal Summer Hawk and there was a statement in there that got me thinking. “If you let a horse get away with something three times, you have just trained them to do it.”
When our oldest son was small, he often kept his room a mess. If I blew my stack and started yelling about what a pigsty his room was, my son would literally freeze. He couldn't do a thing. The more I scolded, the more immobilized he became.
Dealing with your teens/pre-teens bad behaviour and less than desirable attitude.
I do get a lot of parents come to me because they can no longer deal with their teenager’s behaviour and attitude.
It appears that the teenage years have become linked intrinsically to bad behaviour and appalling attitude, and the stereotypical images we see on TV do not help. But are they really that bad?
This week has been one of the most important weeks for me. I found out which school my daughter has got into and until the letter arrived, I had no idea how important this was to me. We applied for the top school in the county, which is a dedicated and very successful girls school that cares so much for its students. It promotes individuality and is so in line with my values, however there are about 50 applications for each place.
1) Set a good example – children mimic what their parents do and eat, so eventually eat what you eat. Introduce new foods once in a while and encourage them to try, as you try too! Your influence and “training” for your children is vital in order to establish, and pave the way for good eating patterns in later life.
Recently I have counted myself very lucky. They say that your clients teach you what you most need to know and recently my clients have all had one thing missing in their lives – a supportive partner. This is probably the thing I take most for granted – Eddie. He is always there for me, sits though all the family meetings, supports me in my new hair-brained ideas and attempts (not always successfully) to implement my parenting principles and philosophy. However believe me, I know that this is not always the case! My ex-husband and I were not afforded the same kind of understanding, lets leave it at that! So I know what it is like to feel unsupported and like the two of you are from different planets.
1. Be Truthful – most divorces are to do with lack of communication, trust or one party not being truthful. End this now – decide to be truthful with your teen – tell them the truth of the situation and keep them informed of what is happening at every step. Being truthful is not the same as blaming, being angry and asking the teen to choose – it is telling them the truth in a neutral way one that has no charge and does not apportion blame. If both parties can be present at this point here it allows the teen to see that you are both dealing with this as responsible adults. It will help then feel more secure. The teen likes nothing less than been forced to choose sides.
I have been thinking a lot lately about two words, consciousness and ethics, and how they relate to parenting…they are both words that have been used a lot lately with parenting, so I wanted to explore the meaning and relate that to what I believe and think about parenting.
I recently asked a group of teenagers what advice they would give to their parent on parenting and their answers were illuminating, honest and hopeful I think. Here are their Secrets.
I have had several interesting conversations this week regarding the term Helicopter Parents. These conversations got me thinking about my own clients and the fact that, in one way or another, they are all doing too much for their children and that my job as a coach is to encourage them to let go and trust their children.
I am still in the school and after another week, what has become even more apparent to me is the significance of Year 9 (13/14 years old). The difference between a Yr 7, 8 and a Yr 9 is quite immense and I believe that the critical year is year 9; what happens here may influence the rest of the child’s schooling, yet apart from options, it appears to get left alone a lot. So why is it significant?
It was funny, the other day I went into my children’s bedroom and found them watching an episode of “My teen’s a nightmare, I’m moving out”! It sort of took me by surprise, seeing myself on TV a few years ago, looking at the situation unfold before me – I had forgotten so much of it. Of course the children think the whole thing is hilarious and find great delight in saying, “Mummy you say that at home, Mummy you make that noise when you are cross with us”…
I was at swimming lessons the other day with my children and the swimming teacher said something to me that got me thinking. As my youngest clung to the side screaming and crying and loudly pronouncing how she could not swim to the other side, the teacher calmly ignored her screams and just kept telling her she could. After about five minutes, Freya did indeed make it to the other side, swimming and crying at the same time, a very strange spectacle indeed! The teacher came up to me, (she obviously though I was worried) and said, “I have learnt not to accept excuses, I did it once and the girl never progressed, so now I just don’t accept them”.
I have recently being doing some work in a school, which has been very interesting. However, what has come to my attention most is that all the teachers seem to do is shout – in fact they don’t even appear to like the children at all. Now, I am sure that when they went into this job they were passionate, excited and really thought they could make a difference. What happened? Well, I am sure the system happened…. to them, the pressure of achieving certain measurements and the effect of the attitudes on those around them.
As I begin to step into my own power and claim what I am really here to do, I realised that when all is said and done, I stand for one thing and one thing only and that is, “The amazing impact a positive and healthy relationship between adults and teenagers can have on the world. I believe that if we all improved our relationships if only by 5% then the world would be a better place.”
"I just wanted to say thank you for all your help. You made me realise I have to start believing in myself and to respect others as well as myself. I am really grateful for all you have done for me. Before you came, people always saw a front, not the real me. Now you’ve taken that away and I am a better person. I’ve also started to trust people more, which I didn’t before. Now you go and work your magic on another young person and make them believe in themselves as well!" - Melissa Burke participant (17) on My Teen’s a Nightmare….I’m moving out.
